I was having a pretty nice day... went to church and had a wonderful sermon... ran a couple of errands, came home and started cleaning my room... mine and S's room... my drawers. I'm a hoarder when it comes to clothes. No... you can walk through my house and not know I hoard. My drawers are so full it's a dread to do laundry cuz I hate putting clothes away. So I cleaned out my drawers... I am feeling so much better. And then the announcement.
My son and the neighbor girl have been fighting lately. I can't really remember how long they have been bickering but it's been a while. I never have been able to get why. Today I heard and I am not happy... not at all! Seems at her birthday party last year, end of Sept, he was standing in the doorway and was talking to the six girls at the party. He was invited to the party but didn't stay the night like the girls. Ok... well... evidently the girls were taunting him to leave... claiming girl time. I get that. The part that I don't get is the need for this neighbor girl, who was sitting next to where he was standing, felt the need to reach out and pull his running pants down. Fortunately his tighty whities stayed on... but was humiliated to say the least. He was near 12yo at the time... she was turning 10... only child, doesn't do anything wrong, is one of the 3 people in their marriage.
My son never told anybody. It breaks my heart because we have a wonderful relationship where we talk, and talk and talk. He was so humiliated. I get that... a similar thing happened to me when I was in 3rd grade. I never told either. I understand. The part that I don't understand is that she told. She told her step dad. He finally told me and his dad today. Nearly a year later, evidently she told fairly quickly. Today the pimple popped and her mom and step dad cornered my son and asked him why he keeps fighting with their princess. He finally told and said it was because of what she did a year ago. Step dad laughed and said yeah, that was pretty funny... he and princess laughed together in front of my son. Mom asked him angrily what snow white could do to fix this... it happened a year ago...it's time to get over it.
Ok... I'm PISSED OFF!! Not at my son, I wish he would have told but I didn't so I can't be mad at him for doing the same thing. I'm really not even mad at spoiled brat because that is what she has been raised to be.. a brat.
It's the grown ups. I know they are scared that the friendship is on the line, because it is. They are upset because this means that their princess isn't perfect... contrary to their belief system. They are also upset because while we are neighbors, S and I are also their landlord. Yeah, they live in my house...and abuse my kid.... hhmm... it wouldn't be looking good for them if I weren't a Christian. As a Christian I don't have to be a doormat... but I do need to make sure that I deal with this appropriately... not really sure what that means yet.
The part that irritates is that if things were switched... they would have considered this assault... and rightly so... my kid would probably still be in juvenile hall.
What to do.... hhmmm.... what to do.... I'll let you know.... feel free to leave suggestions! I sure could use a couple!
**Picture by Mark Newman, thank you**
I feel for your son. Not a good time on the edge of puberty to feel that humiliation but you are quite right..the parents need to understand the humiliation..or is it better to let it slide and cut any connection other than rent collection. I would be a mother devastated if he were my boy. Good luck.
ReplyDelete:)
Thank you so much littleOne!! It helps so much to know that your not crazy when stuff like this happens.... I think you are so right!
ReplyDeleteI'd say that you and your husband need to go over and talk with the parents...alone. They need to understand how hard that can be for a preteen boy and they should get that when they find out that it took him a year to talk about it. You can't change their family, but you can help them to realize what happened and make them realize that they need to be more aware both of their daughter and their own words. You'd be doing them a favor as she gets older and starts dating. The whole family owes him an apology, either in person or if he is still feeling embarrassed, by letter.
ReplyDeleteYour son...he'll be okay, because you've got him and you get it and even a year later, you can help him process through this.
He's at such a sensitive age and this would be very humiliating! Poor kid! I'd have a hard time being friendly with those parents but I probably wouldn't make a big deal of it. Like littleone said - keep it businesslike and let your son know you support him.
ReplyDelete@Susie... I agree with you completely!! Every word. Every part of my being wants to go over there and tell them exactly how stupid and cruel they are and how much their child is a bully!!
ReplyDeleteThen the grown up part of me realizes that if he (renter) is ignorant enough to know about this situation and not deal with it any better than laugh at this poor child... then he probably wouldn't get anything I have to say.
I hate being grown up sometimes!!
Thanks for your input!! I'll pass it on to S!
@Meow.. yes, he is at such a sensitive age... and is even more sensitive than most his age. It's so hard to raise kids these days. Yesterday after he told me, I held him and he just sobbed. I felt so bad for him.... really makes me want to smack the big jerk for laughing at him!!!
Thanks for your input!! It means a lot! *hugs*
Mikki,
ReplyDeleteI'm new here but wanted to comment. You're exactly right, if this had been your boy he'd still be in juvy, and probably required to register as a sex offender when he was let out. I suggest you also seriously consider the possibility that this girl might make false accusations of sexual misconduct against your son at some time in the future. You don't say how much these two children still play together, but it seems likely to me your son wouldn't want to spend a lot of time with this girl any longer. If I were you, I'd encourage that attitude. She sounds like trouble looking for a place to happen. I agree it isn't her fault, but that doesn't change the risk to you and your son.
I happen to know a bit about leasing as well. I think you should start documenting your treatment of these people carefully, and stick very close to the rules and standard practices for your area. For instance, around here it's typical of any landlord to begin eviction proceedings if the rent is ten days late. I say this because it seems likely that if the adults think this behavior was amusing, they aren't likely to be terribly responsible themselves. Sooner or later you'll likely need to take some action to protect your income or property, and that's when you'll be accused by the adults of taking your anger about their little brat's misdeeds out on them. Be sure you can defend your actions.
Lastly, if this were me, I would definitely end any friendship with these people. Things are not going to improve from here. You don't have to be confrontational, but I would definitely tell the parents that if they feel this type of behavior is no big deal, then I can't allow my child to be in an environment so lacking proper adult supervision. Further, no friend of mine would allow my child to be treated like that, and certainly would not treat my child that way themselves, so apparently these are not friends after all. Further, in honoring your Christian faith, remember that the Bible says "Bad company corrupts good character". Consider what would be best for your child. Good luck.
@MagnusCattus... I would first like to thank you for coming by and reading my blog... it's always nice to have an new set of eye on your blog! I'd also like to thank you for the time and energy it took to write such a heartfelt and thought out comment.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right. My kids don't need to be playing with her any longer. S and I never wanted to be friends with these people and really aren't... they like us way more than we like them! You are so right, we do need to document everything... I knew that but forgot... thanks for reminding me!!
Bad company most definitely corrupts good character!! Sadly, the bad part of character
can be hidden. I am the one that interviewed these people and they seemed very stand up people. Everything in their back ground seemed wonderful... passed all my "tests"... somehow they got through...
You just can't fix stupid!!
Thanks again to everyone who has cared enough to post their thoughts on this... it really means a lot!
**hugs**
OK, I am seething, so please forgive me if the comments are not helpful, but I just want to smack those ignorant parents in the kisser!!!!
ReplyDeleteNow, I don't understand your laws, but what stops this being abuse? Just because she was younger than him, it was still sexual harassment, surely? I would call the police and have THEM go speak to the parents about how acceptable that sort of behaviour is, and how their cavalier attitude to their daughter behaving that way could get her in a lot of trouble if she is not made to realise how inappropriate and totally unacceptable it was. And how psychologically damaging it could be for your son. How would they like to pay for your son to have counselling?
I really feel you should do something to make them realise the seriousness of this ASSAULT on your son. And how lucky she was that he didn't do what my son would have done, and bopped her one!!!!
Why the hell did a 10 year old even THINK of doing such a thing??? SOmething seriously wrong there, and I would put MY son's feelings first and tell this family it's time they thought about MOVING.
Hugs, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Whoah, okay...
ReplyDeleteI have a slightly different take on this than you and your commenters. :)
I very much doubt your neighbors are being "abusive" or that the girl was intending to "humiliate" your son. Those are some pretty strong accusations. The fact that they asked your son why he keeps fighting with her and the fact that they didn't take what happened over a year ago very seriously is not some kind of proof they are bad people.
A lot of people would not think this girl pantsing your son was THAT big of a deal. Was it wrong? Sure it was, but kids do things all the time they shouldn't do. A lot of kids would have just shrugged such a thing off and soon forgotten all about it.
Please don't misunderstand me; I'm not trying to minimize you or your son's reactions; everyone has the right to their own feelings. You are upset, that is completely valid. Your son was apparently deeply offended by this girl and his feelings are 100 percent valid too.
But I can tell you that my kids would have just let something like that go at that age. So would I and my siblings; I grew up with two older brothers and their friends and there was lots of teasing and roughhousing going on.
Also, it sounds like you weren't there. You say they "cornered" your son. Really? And you let them? I wouldn't let anyone "corner" my kids, that's for sure. I'm assuming from the way you related it that you only know what your son told you. So their laughter and the mom asking "furiously" how their daughter could make up for it (really? she asked that with fury in her voice? that's very odd) and telling your son just to "get over it", etc., the whole scenario could be highly exaggerated by your son because he's angry and upset.
Again, I'm not saying what the girl did was right and I'm not saying your son has no right to be upset, he does. Please do not misunderstand me.
But I think it's wise to consider the intent. Was the girl trying to be cruel and vindictive or was she trying to show off for her friends. Plus, it was a year ago, she was much younger then. She'd probably be embarrassed to do such a thing today. Okay, her parents didn't think it was that big of a deal, they thought it was funny; gotta, say, I probably would laugh about it a year later too. I'll bet they told their daughter back when she first told them not to do such a thing. But today, it could seem funny in retrospect, I can see that.
Yet, I'm a pretty good person, raised two great kids who are good citizens today. :)
You say you are a Christian and you want to do the "right" thing. I believe the right thing would be to give this family the benefit of the doubt and talk to them honestly but without blame and without throwing words about like "abuse", etc., even in your mind. Stop condemning them just because they have a different take on things than you and your son do. And try to see if you can help your son see it from that angle, too. He has every right to stand up for himself but maybe he would feel better if he could see that what this girl did was childish immature behavior instead of "abusive" and "humiliating" behavior aimed at him.
Surely, even if you disagree on parenting styles, you can see they mean well, otherwise they would not have attempted to talk to your son at all.
Just my two cents. :)
Mikki. I'm so sorry this happened to your son. I don't have any advice for you but I think if one of my (now) teenage daughters ever dud something like this to another child I would have handled it very differently than these parents did. To minimize the trauma your son felt and still feels is just wrong on so many levels.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you and your son have a loving close relationship. He will be okay because he knows he has parents that love and support him.
I don't have any advice butvjudt wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and your family.
Take care
Sky
@Sky... thank you so much for your kind words! I think your right in the fact that he is going to be ok, and seems to be having less "acting out" episodes since this all came out. It may be a coincidence but that's how it seems! Thank you for caring!
ReplyDelete@Daisychain...You are so sweet, and I appreciate you "git em" attitude! I don't know what the laws are here either, but I don't think we are going to go that way. You see, they also go to our church, and I was the one that lead them to Christ and while they are truly ignorant for their thinking... they are also very fragile right now in their faith.
My son has since forgiven the girl and I have to forgive all of them... kids are so cool in that they are so innocent and it's so much easier to for them to forgive than it is for us grownups... and we think we are the mature ones!!
Thank you for all your compassion...you have such a big heart!! **hugs**