Everybody likes a new toy!

I woke up this morning to S playing with my nipples, which is so very arousing, and being poked in the back by my guys manhood.  It was only 30 minutes before I had to get up which is wonderful timing since I have actually been taken in the middle of the night a lot lately.  Not that I mind... I love it... it reminds me just how new our life together is with ttwd!

Hubby and I rarely ever had sex "before".  Sad but true.  I really don't know why or how we got to that point because we were little bunnies when we were dating.  I know I have posted about this before but it just astounds me that our life is so different with a different mindset.  I know it wasn't all my fault because it takes two to make a marriage and it takes two to break one.  I know, I know... you can't help if a person goes out side of a marriage for what they aren't getting at home.... or can you?

I'm about to admit a huge (to me) "sin" that I committed very early in our marriage.  First, I want to put out a disclaimer that my hubby suffers from depression and at this time wasn't medicated.... and also was only a year or so out of his first marriage and was missing his kids and blah, blah, blah..... we had a lot of crappy stuff going on in life at the time... but it was absolutely no excuse on either side, just wanting to set the scene so you know where we were.  It was 15 years ago and we had just gotten my mom and dads old computer.  They upgraded and we got their old one.  We had internet access for the first and it was very cool.  Mom and I found out how to chat in a chat room so that we didn't have to pay for long distance as it was very expensive back then. It all started out very innocently, as I'm sure it usually does.  Mom and I were in a chat room and we were not only chatting with each other but also with others.  Just chit chatting with other people in different parts of the world and we just amazed at this new thing we were able to enjoy.  Then I started going to our chat room when mom wasn't there and chatting with  my new friends.  Then it happened.  I started having a cyber affair. The guy I was talking to was wonderful.  He was everything that I was craving in real life.  I wanted attention. I needed someone to talk to and to just interact with.  I needed companionship and passion.  Now I know that what I did was wrong... and I'm really not trying to excuse why I did what I did.... I'm just trying to get past it and understand it so it won't ever happen again!

Tru was his name and he was from Texas.  He was way into golf and loved Tiger Woods before he was "great".  He also had a wife who went by Pumkin.  We were all three friends.  They were the nicest people I had met in a long time.... I feel terrible that I crossed a line with Tru that I shouldn't have.  I know a lot of people wouldn't consider talking about sex with a person online an "affair".... and it may not have been to him... but it was to Pumkin... and it was to me.  Us ladies put our hearts and souls into what we do, and I guess I was self medicating my broken heart by getting affection and attention from a place I shouldn't have been.  My poor husband was as miserable as I was and instead of holding onto each other and treading water together, we grew further and further apart.  Very sad... it makes me so sad for those people who look like strangers from where we are now.

In my mind and heart, I had an affair.  I was feeling things that only my husband should have had access to.  In my opinion we were talking about things that only a man and woman in an exclusive relationship should.  My heart went pitter patter.... my face would get flushed.... other parts would gush....all things I so was missing in my real life.  The deeper into this "relationship" I got, the further I got from S.  I got to the point that I didn't want to be married to him any longer.  We didn't have any kids... hadn't been married that long really... and I was gonna cut my losses and I left S.  I went to my parents house for a "visit".  S didn't know at that point that I was leaving.  He didn't know about Tru, who I had kicked around, in my confused little head, meeting in real life.  We never met outside of cyberspace, and I'm very glad that I at least had that much sense!  While gone on my visit to my parents, S got onto the computer and found everything.  I had e mails that Tru and I had sent back and forth.  I never deleted anything and didn't have anything in the computer locked up.  Almost like I wanted to get caught.  And caught I was!  S called me wanted to know who this person was... and showed emotion for the first time in what seemed like forever.  He wanted to know all the W's.  We yelled, cried, we accused, we were angry... we ran the entire gammet of emotions.  It was the first time in a long time that either of us fought for us..... I'm so proud to say that we worked through it!  I'm so glad we stayed together.

This all happened in the first year of our marriage.  We have been through a lot even after that, none of it as horrific as this.  But none of it as wonderful as this past year since we have started ttwd!!  During those years I said no a lot.  Actually, I don't think I said no so much as "how about tomorrow night" which would never come.  I would also say "How about I do you cuz I'm tired".   I had a whole list of reasons not to be intimate with S.  So sad... I have no more words for it.  Since ttwd... I'm proud to say I have not denied my husband even once!!  We have hot sex nearly every night and then sometimes he wakes me up and am always ready to by taken by my man.  I don't get as many spankings as I would like due to the fact that we have young kids still at home and don't have the privacy we would like, but the mindset is actually the most important part for us right now.  He is getting used to stepping up and making decisions.... and I'm getting used to following, weather I want to or not!!! :o)

Since the whole cyber thing... I have promised full disclosure in everything in my life... especially my computer.  I live my life as if S were looking over my shoulder.  He has access to this blog.  He hasn't ever read it.... but he is welcomed to..... and I would actually like him to.  I know this post could hurt his feelings but I hope it doesn't.  I want him to know that he is my one true love and that I could never want anyone else!  I also want him to know that I am very sorry for my part in the 15 years that we had prior to ttwd and to let him know that I'm am always anticipating my next spanking... and then the ever so hot sex after!! I love you S!  You can play with me anytime!!  *huge grin*