There has to be consequences to our actions, I think everyone who subscribes to this lifestyle agrees with that. I also think that they need to be consequences that deter us from doing what we are being punished for. Our son was punished last night. You see, I didn't tell you the rest of the story from my last post, so I guess this should be titled part 2....but if you didn't read it, I think this can probably stand on it's own.
So I told you about the bad grade notice, I told you about my head nearly popping off my shoulders when I found out that he could correct his tests and didn't "need" to.. but I didn't tell you what happened after that. Well... part of my head nearly popping off was a lot of yelling... a lot of hurt feelings... Boy was sent outside for something and when doing that kicked a nice big dent in our metal garage about waist high. I still don't know if he meant to do damage or if he didn't realize that it would cave like it did... but damage was done. S says he can bend it back out... but I'm not stupid, it will never be the same. It left a mark for us to remember every time we go to the garage.
Neither S nor I ever break things in anger... we don't hit things... we don't do that, we just don't. I am sure he was trying something new to see how it would work for him, and we needed to make sure that it didn't work for him. We needed to make sure that the last thing that he would do in the future when he gets angry is hit or kick something! We explained to him the night that he did it that the following night he would be punished. It was late and we had no energy to put into this, not the way it needed. I'm not going into his punishment here, I know there are people out there ready to pounce on people who discipline their children and I'm not getting into any pissing contests.
We told him the night before for a few different reasons... one of them to get his head wrapped around the idea... one of the others was to for him to be bugged about it. One of the worst parts of being punished is knowing its coming!
Last night came, S and I were very unsettled by the whole thing... we were very sad that our son had brought us to this point. The punishment wasn't the unsettling part, it was that fact that we were here and we had never been "here" before... we had a job to do... and we needed to follow through. It sucked to know that I had to punish my son who I love so much! We talked first... we talked about anger and ways to work out anger besides hitting something. We talked about domestic violence and how we are concerned for his future family if he thinks that hitting and kicking is a way to express anger and frustration. We talked about taking responsibility... owning our own junk... it was pretty much me talking, Boy "listening" and S pacing.
Enough said... Boy had nothing to say... S sent him to his room, followed him in... punished him. I know it was so hard for S to do, he wasn't angry but maybe a bit sad. He would give his life for that boy, but he knew he had to make sure the boy knew that his actions were unacceptable. The Boy played it hard... tried playing us against each other. We were a united front, a couple of years ago we could never have been so strong... we would have never have known how important follow through really is.
I love my family... each and every one of them are so precious to me. I do so love our children even if they do have a tendency to drive me crazy. I so appreciate S for his roll as the head of our home, he does such a good job. I now have a new understanding of his roll in our home and how hard it must be to punish me when I am out of line... and why he tries so hard to guide me away from problems so that he doesn't have to punish me. He loves me... he loves all of us... and it hurts his heart to punish any of us... but I know he only does it because he loves us and wants only the best for the family.
This whole situation puts a whole new light on Dd. It makes me realize just how hard it is for the HOH. Sometimes its tempting to "brat" to get that spanking that we think we want when in reality our guys just want to have a wonderful Utopia where we all act the way we are supposed to without the threat of a punishment at all. It gives me that much more incentive to be submissive to my husband, even when he doesn't act like I think a disciplinarian should act.
All this said, that doesn't mean I won't ask respectfully for a spanking that I think I might need... a reset or even admit that I need a punishment. I know he will oblige me... he always has.... that's his job, to make sure that his family is taken care of and if one comes to him needing help, he will go out of his way to help.
Besides, there are most generally fringe benefits to punishing me. **wink**
P.S. To whom it may concern... there were no teenagers marked or maimed in the writing of this blog!!
Mikki: First off *hugs*--sounds like you could use that right about now! I'm sorry about the trouble you are having with your son, but I liked what you said about raising the anger issue with him in respect to his future and possibly a family one day. He needs to curb that anger before he does something worse than a dent in a door. Your insight on the job of the HOH really pricked my conscience--I too have been guilty of bratting with Ace to get the reaction. A very good post! Hope things get better with your son! ~sugar
ReplyDeleteMikki,
ReplyDeleteThe love that both you and your husband have for your son comes through so clearly in this post. If this is his first real "teenager" punishment, it will be one that he remembers for good and the way you have handled it will be remembered as well. LOL, you'll still have to give him 10 years before he can be positive about it though!
The realization of how hard it is to lead a family is pretty neat too. We have to support our guys. Nice post Mikki!
Mikki,
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about me judging your parenting style, lol! May things get smoother from here on out.
Love,
Kitty
Sugar... ((hugs)) Thank you I needed that! I've learned a lot in the last couple of days... I'm hoping of a weekend of not learning anything! LOL
ReplyDeleteSusie... Thank you.. I appreciate your kind words! Yeah... I'm not expecting for him to be thankful for his childhood till he is like 30 or so...LOL
Kitty... Thank you, though I knew you wouldn't judging my parenting style... having so many kids yourself you know that it's not for the weak at heart!! They are already getting better, thank the Lord!!! ((hugs))
I definitely won't judge your patenting style. You are so lucky to have a husband that provides a united front in disciplining your child/ren. That us paramount to successful parenting.
ReplyDeleteI am sure it was hard for S to give the punishment. Not the follow through - just hard to have to do it :(
Sending you a huge hug Mikki. my girls ate 16 and 18 and they are good girls but teenagers can really try our patience sometimes.
Take care. Sky
So you taught him it is wrong to hit an inadament object that felt nothing, by hitting him??????? You can not say you don't hit because your husband hits you and your children. This really doesn't make sense to me?
ReplyDeleteOur guys do have a lot of responsibility, a lot on their shoulders. I hope the consequences help your son decide to make better choices in the future. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteNice post Mikki. It brings home some of the responsibilities our Hoh's have and how difficult their job must be at times. I hope things settle with your son soon.
ReplyDeleteDee x
Sky... Thank you for your kind, like minded words! Yes, teenagers do try our patience.. lets just pray that God gives us strength till they are grown!! ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteGrace... thank you for your support, things are getting so much better as we speak!! Good attitudes... happy hearts!! ((hugs))
Anonymous... I only posted your comment to say this... Our society is in such a site because there are so many people who don't take responsibility for the children that they have brought into this world.
You are the first and only one who has said anything negative in this or my last post and yet you would be the first one to cry unfair should I not discipline my son and he put his foot in the side of your car instead. Or do you like it when adults abuse their partner or their children.
We did not punish our son for the dent... we are guiding him away from this form of anger outlet. We all have different ways of parenting, I only hope that everyone reign in their children and raise them to be wonderful grown ups!!
Our job is to raise these two gifts from God to be productive respectful members of society. This is only achieved when we teach them the difference between right from wrong when they are young.
You don't have to bother commenting again, I don't intend on having a pissing contest with you here on my blog... get your own and voice it there!
Have a nice day!
Dee...I don't know what happened to your post but it disappeared... :o( I did get to read it and it was so supportive and I so thank you for that! Yes, our HOH have such a hard job, they must be doing something right cuz they make it look easy!! LOL ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI applaud you for trying to teach you son right from wrong. I don't applaud your method. I am an eduator and have seen all types of behaviors from all types of homes. Physical discipline might--and I say might--be ok as a very last resort but should not be used unless there is NO OTHER WAY. There are many ways to correct unwelcome behavior. I have also raised sons so I know what I am talking about. You need to be very careful about your choices. I would be very careful about what I post as well. No, I don't know you or your family so don't mention it. If you don't want negative comments then you have a very thin skin. You need to realize that anyone who writes and asks for comments will not always get praise. No author in the world ever gets all positive feedback. Only someon very naive would expect that. If you don't like the comments, don't keep them on or don't publish them. Pick only those that gush about how wonderful you are. Not exactly an honest way to do things but then maybe that doesn't matter to you. Just sayin'
ReplyDeleteMikki, your post showed so much love for your son, your husband and your family as a whole. Disciplining a child is one of the hardest jobs for a parent. It only takes a realistic person 10 minutes in a middle school classroom to see most parents take the easy road and allow their teenagers free rain.
ReplyDeleteYour comparison to what our HOH's go through was very insightful and gave me something to think about. Thank you and { hugs}
Mikki, Sorry you are having such a difficult time with your son. The years between 13 and 16 were a nightmare for us with our son. It is a wonderful thing that you and your husband were a united front, your son will remember that. While we have never used corporal punishment with our kids I would never judge another person for making that decision. Raising kids is the most challenging and important job there is and everyone undertakes it differently. The love you both have for your son is very apparent in your post and it seems obvious to me that what needed to be done was harder for you and S than for your son. I hope things improve soon for you in dealing with your son.
ReplyDeletefaerie... thank you so much for your support. We have swatted the kids when they were little but this is the first and hopefully last time that we need to to go to such an extreme. Things are getting much better though!! ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteMikki,
ReplyDeleteDon't let those naysayers make you defensive. You do what you believe is the right choice for the child you love. Period. Kudos to you, girl! Sorry you were having a difficult time with your son, but glad to hear his attitude and behaviour have improved!
Mikki,
ReplyDeleteMy original comment seems not to have appeared, but I see you had lots of encouragement anyway. I'm sorry your son has caused you concern, but I'm sure he will at least have people getting between him and his mistakes in order to help.
If you'll indulge me, I have a comment intended for Anonymous. Anonymous, you are a fool. If you had read the post more carefully you would have seen a parent that was responding to an unpleasant duty. Further, a parent that had tried other less aggressive methods first without any success. Spanking is a proven and effective means of discipline. However, take another look at the transgression. The child allowed his temper to cause him to simply strike out mindlessly. A spanking is a demonstration of something very different, controlled force. S controlled the intensity of the force used in order to assure it was positive discipline and nothing else. A proper spanking not only conveys the lesson intended, but also demonstrates that occasionally force is necessary and must be used intentionally, not mindlessly. A person that can not see the difference between spanking a child and beating a child is a person that can not see the difference between making love and rape. They may appear the same from a distance, but the differing intentions are clear. Often intentions mean more than the act. Finally, I want to convey my contempt for you, a person whose liberal parents obviously failed to teach you that it is inappropriate and rude to come into a gathering hosted by another and speak to them in a derisive and snobbish way, especially while hiding their identity. I mean seriously? The anonymity of the pseudonym of your username was not enough for you when making your insulting comments??????? Intentions are sometimes more important than actions, but actions speak louder than words, and your actions are those of a simpering coward.
Finally, on a personal note, How can you justify misspelling your corrections? Inadament? Look at it! The website even underlines these kinds of mistakes in red in order to help you avoid mistakes and you still screwed it up. This doesn't make sense to me? Since you seem not to learn from these gentler efforts, perhaps you need someone to spank you for it a time or two. I'll bet you'd pay more attention then.
Just sayin.........
Christina... thank you...it's hard to not get defensive sometimes but your right, I am surrounded by great friends and like minded people.. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteMagnusCattus... Aaawww... I think you are the big brother I never had!! You are so sweet to stick up for me and my family! Thank you so much! Friends like you here in blogland keep me here and makes my time here warm and fuzzy!! ((hugs))
You're quite welome Mikki. It's pretty clear to anyone paying attention that you and S are caring and involved parents. You'd think Jules, the "Educator" would have an appreciation for that. I'd like to ask him what makes an "Educator" more qualified to raise a child than the parents, but he's probably one of those "Educators" that motivated me to start home-school work for our child. I'd like to ask him, but I can't, since once again no blog and no contact potential. I admit he does at least use an actual name, one up on Anonymous. What's the deal though, with these people who seem to have nothing to write unless they are telling someone else what to do. And am I the only one here that noticed the first time around that the kid had been lectured, grounded, and assigned extra chores as punishment before he was finally punished corporeally? I only ask because ol' Jules said physical punishment is O.K. as a last resort. I'm not sure what you missed.
ReplyDeleteMikki, I love what you took from this..that it's not easy to be in the role of HOH and what they really want is a happy home and marriage..not to punish. I try to remember that as well but it can slip from my mind when I want to be let go on something.
ReplyDeleteFollow through is important but I'm not often very appreciative :) Nice job on this post.
Stormy
Thank you Ms Stormy! The whole experience was a real eye opener! ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteHugs to you both. I wish I had parents like you when I grew up. Sounds to me like you both did it correctly and it was right for this one particular child. We are not all the same, therefore we all need something different. Depends on a lot of things. Recognizing that is part of the process. This is all in my humble opinion.
ReplyDeleteMikki,
ReplyDeleteI am all for parents disciplining their children-but not physically and there is a ton of research to support this. My parenting style is different from yours and that's ok. As the mom of 4 between the ages of 9-17--the oldest 3 are boys I can empathize. Now we've been lucky -our kids have their ups and downs but are pretty solid--getting a B- is this house is a really big deal. The expectations are high and they meet them. I can understand your frustration, in my state if a child went into school and described that type of punishment to a teacher, nurse or counselor--and there was any (Even slight) physical evidence to back it up-- your life would get very complicated very quickly. I have some good reads on dealing with challenging kids, feel free to shoot me an email. This is meant to be constructive I hope it reads that way.
Laurie
Laurie
ReplyDeleteI am way less raw about the entire situation andb am able to step back and look at it. I appreciate your comment and have taken it completely constructively.
We did not come to the decision to spank our son lightly. We were dealing with grade issues and he was grounded, had been given extra chores, taken away everything that caused him pleasure... he struck out by doing damage to our property.
We felt that we had no choice. He had to know that that is not how we react with our anger. True, it can be seen as abuse to some but in our community, the public school that my kids attend still practice corporal punishment.
My husband and I both grew up in homes that believed in spanking. Neither family used it before they tried other tactics. This is how we decided how to handle what we felt was a situation that needed to be handled seriously.
So many times in our society there are kids running around with no idea what a code of conduct is. They have no idea about consequences for their actions. We felt up against a wall... we did what we have been told by our family, our community, our faith is right.
I am happy to report that the child's attitude is much better... he is making better decisions not only with his school, but also at home with his family. He is a good boy, always has been, but he needed a reset of sorts. He has since apologized for his actions and understands that he needs a plan for the next time he gets angry, he is working on that now with our input.
Thank you for commenting... I probably shouldn't have posted such a volital subject, but it happened to be what was on my heart.
Of course his attitude is much better. You stupid asses put fear in him by causing him pain. My friend josh from Facebook posted this in an anti-spanking group and I think you guys deserved to be beat back. My parents knew better than to hit me.
ReplyDeleteMikki,
ReplyDeleteI want to thank you for this learning experience. I guess I will be more careful what I post as well. At first I was angry at the negative comments. Now I'm just sad. All responsibility has been removed from children at the same time all serious consequence of their mistakes has been removed. Further, the attitude displayed by this most recent anonymous post is typical of the times. I can only marvel at the lack of respect shown by someone that says "My parents knew better than to hit me" Really? or what? I have to laugh at the fact that they apparently did NOT know better than not to hit him. He certainly needs a good spanking.
You know, it occurs to me that the man that served as my stepfather was significantly older than my mother. He and both my grandfathers were of the WWII generation. They're the ones that raised me, their way. They spanked, sometimes worse. They taught me to be ashamed of any thought of confronting someone anonymously. They taught me it was cowardly.
I want to thank you for sharing your life in the words you put in this blog. I would hope that you do not allow the weak and craven words of those who apparently have nothing positive to say, and yet nowhere else to go, to discourage you from doing what you know to be right and then sharing it with us.
Hi, Mikki,
ReplyDeleteFirstly, let me say I am sorry for negative feedback you have received, though I am not surprised. Corporal punishment is a highly emotive subject, and, so is adult consensual spanking, partly because people are worried that if the relationship between man and wife is "abusive" then there is worry for the kids...so, posting about exactly that is fuel for the fire, so to speak. Having said that, I smacked all of my kids (and I have lots, haha!)when they were tiny. I didn't "spank" them, as such, but after outright defiance from a little one, one single swift smack to the bottom or legs, helped to make them see I meant what I said. I would ask them to do/not do something, then I would TELL them...then I would count, one, two... they usually did it, if not, three would be accompanied by a smack... by the age of 5, I only needed to say, "one" and they obeyed! It teaches respect, and let's face it, does no damage at all. It is not the same as beating or abusing a child. It does not damage their self esteem, but it makes them think about what they are doing.
My kids are all beautiful spirited adults with good brains and a caring, unselfish nature, they are loving and full of common sense, they all work, they are not on drugs, they married before procreating, they have self respect and self discipline and are well rounded adults and those who have had kids are bringing them up with the right values.
So, the do-goods can have their say. I still believe the odd bit of accountability does no harm, provided the punishment is carried out in a controlled and loving way.
Frankly, more damage is done to kids when they live in an atmosphere of hate, anger, apathy, distrust, where shouting and verbal attacks are daily occurrences and they have no clear guidelines from their parents on expectations.
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