It just hurts my heart

This is not a spanking post.... keep on clicking if you want, I won't be offended...

This is my journal... it also happens to be a blog where others that I don't know in real life can read and sometimes even comment.... it also happens to be where I communicate to my S, my HOH, the Love of my life, my man.  This is not the only way that I communicate to him, but this is where I can write something... think it though... back space and hit delete unlike in conversations when things are said but can't be taken back.

I got pissed off mad today.  I mean really mad.  I yelled... I slammed the dishwasher door... I shut up and ignored him.  I'm not so sure that I'm mad or if I'm scared and don't know how to get that point through.

There are things that S is still not allowed to do.  A couple of things that is driving him absolutely nuts not doing.  I think he feels claustrophobic... grounded... maybe even like someone the Dr has taken away his manhood.  No, he can have sex... he is ok there.  His independence has been taken from him temporarily, only his sees it as forever.

When a Dr tells you that you can not do something for 6 months... you can not do that thing for 6 months.  She did not suggest it... it was an order... there are reasons for this.  There are laws.... that is why he needs to listen to the Dr.

Should he not listen to her, bad things can happen.  Not heeding her warning, our family's future could be put at risk.  Crap happens.  I'm not saying that Drs walk on water.... they are not perfect... but if he goes against what she is telling him and the worst happens... I don't even want to think about the worst.

The hard part about ttwd is that I feel so vulnerable... my feelings, my heart.  When I sought out ttwd I had been wearing the pants in the family and it obviously wasn't working because I/we sought out something different.  I wanted him to wear them.  It's been hard at times... easier at other times, but all in all, very much worth it.  We have had our struggles just like other couples but it has been so worth it.  I love my man, and I so much love him guiding me.  I trust him to make the right decisions for us and our family.  I do trust him... I trust him with my life.

Sometimes though, even HOH's need to be guided... they need feedback and input... whether  they want to hear it or not.  Whether it's given appropriately or not... sometimes they need help remembering what is important... why we are doing what we are doing...

S, I love you... more than words can even say.  You are my best friend and can not even fathom life without you!  I'm so sorry for having a childish fit.  You don't deserve to see that... but I'm only human... sometimes it's hard to get our feelings communicated appropriately.

Just a couple of more months baby... we are almost there!  You have done such a great job of keeping yourself entertained so as to not drive us all crazy... but we still do have a little bit longer to go... I'm sorry... I love you!!  ((hugs))

I do apologize to those who are confused...l wish I could go into more detail... maybe someday.

Just had to pass this one on...

I was getting ready to shut down the ole computer tonight... thought I'd take a cruise over at Facebook before heading "that way"... and I ever so innocently came across this sign and thought of a few of my friends here in Blogland....

Hope you enjoyed it as much as I figured you would!! **giggling**  


Have a wonderful weekend!! ((hugs))

Does it get any better?

The kids were gone, and this couple was left to their own imaginations and desires.

Now this is where it should get very hot... and very steamy... but alas, I hate to disappoint.  Just 12 hours after I had arranged to have hot evening alone with the love of my life, I started vomiting.  There is a virus that has been flying through our community and our daughter had it earlier in the week.  I had seen the symptoms in her, and knowing that it only lasts for 24 hours... but it was definitely to put a damper on our evening.

I didn't feel wonderful all day.... the vomiting only lasted a couple of hours... but my body felt like I had working out in the garden the first weekend of spring... very stiff and sore.  I also felt like I had smoked too many cigarettes the night before, and I haven't smoked for nearly 10 years!

Our boy left just before noon, and sister left a couple of hours later.  We had the house to our selves.  We watched TV... surfed the net.   We napped off and on.  Had a very lazy day.  It was very nice.  Later in the day, after making sure that drink and crackers were staying down, we decided that we needed to go get a bit to eat.  Showering made me feel better but I still felt weak and it still hurt to breath... but it sounded good just to get out of the house for a bit.

We went to a diner and had an omelet.. it felt good to have warm food in me.  We are both people watchers... we sat there and chatted, commented on passers by... enjoyed each others company.  I love him... and I know he loves me.

After our dinner was done it was time to go home.  I'm sure the evening would have been much different had I been feeling better.  We got cozy when we got home.  He watched TV and I played on the computer.  Eventually we got tired... went to bed and cozied up together.  Yeah, we had a little fun but nothing compared to the fun we would have had had I been up to par.

No spankings... no history making sessions... just two people who love each other very much.

Plenty enough for me.

Yes, I'm feeling better.. still a bit sore and still feeling like I smoked too much last night... everything is staying down.

And the kids are coming back this morning... we miss them... but it's been a good miss!! ((hugs))

Mmmmhhmmm.... that's what I'm sayin'!

Oh, I'm so excited.... and I just can't hide it!!

I got a phone call this morning that has turned my weekend in a totally new direction!  One of my son's friends called and wants him to come over Saturday night... and then my daughter got invited over to her friends home for Saturday evening!!!

                         Can you say DATE NIGHT????!!!!

There are a few blogs that I follow that go on date night with their husbands at least once a  week, maybe more.   Yeah, I do envy these ladies... but I have resolved myself to the fact that I will take what I can get and appreciate the few date nights that I can get with my hubby.

Oh man... I'm gonna have to make a list... what to do first!! *giggling like a little school girl*  ((hugs))

Now they tell me!

My question.... how do we get my Dr to believe this?? ;o)

Have a great day everyone!! ((hugs))

Happy Valentines Day!!

I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted anything.  I've been around.  I've been reading... commenting... enjoying stumbling onto a few new bloggers.  But I've not really had a lot to say.

We were supposed to have a plan to ensure that I would receive my reminder spankings.  It worked very well the first night... and then the second night.... but the third and forth, I just couldn't make myself.  Who wants to ask for pain?  I know there are some of you out there who would beg for pain.  Heck I'm sure some even pay for it... I just couldn't remind him of my reminder/maintenance.

Last night he remembered.  Right before we were headed to bed he took me by the hand and led me to the spot where we had decided that no one would hear.  I balked a bit.  Told him I was fine and didn't need one... he said that I did... he was right... I did need one.  It had been a while since we had had a spanking session.  Yesterday was a tough day.  Kids stomping all over my last nerve... we were under a winter weather advisory (now it decides to dump our first snow... in FEBRUARY).  We were well prepared for this storm, but it was the unknown that was unnerving.  I had a couple of fits... nothing horrific and nothing pointed at him,  but not my normal self.

The evening was quiet... kids found something quiet to do, trying to be invisible as to not to get anyone's attention to be sent to bed.  S was watching TV and I was surfing the net... reading blogs...   I got up and took my shower to prepare for bed, and I felt so much better.   The bad attitude washed off and down the drain.   A wonderful feeling.  I put the kids to bed and finished surfing.  Nice quiet night... warm home.. snow on the ground outside and feeling very thankful for all God has blessed us with.  We decided it was time to head for bed, closing everything down... and he took my hand... it took a second or two for it to get my attention... he tugged a bit... drew me too him.  He said "Come on, it's time".  "Oh... no... I'm good... you really don't have to...  " I balked.  "Oh, I know I don't have to... and yes you do" he said ever so calmly.

He led me to our spot... I reluctantly bent over as told.... my pajamas were slipped down.  He lovingly rubbed my behind.. very sweet... and the spanking with his hand began.  His hand is my favorite implement.  No warm up for my guy.. he just plowed right in... after about 3 he had taken my breath away.  He kept going... wanting to make sure that I was "good".  This wan't a punishment so I knew that this wasn't going to be horribly intense, but after not having been spanked for a while....  he got his point across! ;-)

We headed to bed... we had a nice love session.  During a bit of pillow talk I apologized for not reminding him like we had talked about.  He asked me why I hadn't and I explained that while I loved where my head goes after a spanking.... and where I also loved where his head goes after a spanking (I know this by how he acts after)... I just couldn't ask the pain.  I did tell him that if he wanted me to I would bring it up.

He's thinking he can remember.

I'm doubting it... but there is always a glimmer of hope! LOL

Today is Valentines Day.... I feel so connected to my guy... that in it's self is plenty!  We don't spend a lot of money on this day.  We are hoping to be able to get out this evening and have dinner together while leaving the kids at home with a home made pizza.  Time by our selves as a couple is the best present I could possibly get!!

Happy Valentines Day everyone!!  Hope it's all you could possibly want and more!!  ((hugs))

I need a spanking, please

It was Thursday night... reassurance night.  This would be only our second one since we have had our plan.  Just in case you haven't kept up recently, S and I have a plan, and that is that I am to say on Monday and Thursday evenings "it's time" and he will then remember that we are to have a reassurance meeting.  Him reassuring me that he loves me, cares for me, is taking care of me by taking me in hand and warming my behind.

Thankfully this lifestyle is as each couple that practices it. Some might say that it's not spontaneous enough and that reassurance spankings should not be scheduled so rigidly, that the same days every week is not how it should be set up.  We are what I refer to as "regular kids".  We (S and I and our kids for that matter) do so much better when we get on a schedule.  We go to church on Sundays and Wednesday... Mondays and Thursday evenings are laundry night...Tuesday and Friday nights are quiet and most generally don't have anything planned and Saturdays we run and run and run.  This is just general and it's not to say that we can't bend but for the most part we like boring!  Boring for some... comfortable for us.

So we schedule my spankings and I'm ok with that.  We are bendable in the fact maybe someday they won't be on M & Th.... for now we are doing well.  I, at some point in the evening, am to say "it's time" and that ques S that we need to meet later in the evening.  One of the reasons that I am ok with reminding him, at least for now is because he is still on sick leave, and I do have to say that when you stay home and don't have a regular routine, you can actually forget what day it is!

Last night we had our meeting and I have to say that he is definitely getting back into the swing of things (pardon the pun! ;-))  It wasn't a long spank, after all it is a reassurance/maintenance spanking and it isn't meant to take me to tears or anything... but I have to say Wow....   I'm not sore this morning, but he definitely made an impact last night!!  WWoooHoo! ;o)

I know I'm not the only one who's man isn't as consistent as we would like.... some can't read our minds like we would like them too...  It isn't one of the most comfortable things in the world, to ask for what you need... but it is way more comfortable than dealing with our emotions that we get when we don't get the spanking that we have coming!!  I almost didn't remind S last night.  I don't know if he would have remembered or not.  I wasn't sure I "needed" one... but then I ran through my mind how I would feel if I had that spanking vs not having it.  If I swallowed my pride and asked for my spanking by reminding him, my behind and my heart would both be warm.... and we'd probably have some hot play time later.  If, however I didn't remind him I would feel forgotten, not taken care of, and if we did have intimate time later if would probably be out of obligation instead of being hot for my husband.

While it's going to take some getting used to, asking S to take care of me is going to be far easier on this ole' gal than the roller coaster of emotions that I would go through if I didn't.

Next, I'll have to ask him to join my blog!! **huge grin**

Mommy... What is puberty??

You know.... I really appreciate these shows that are supposed to be shows about kids for kids and they have to throw around words like puberty.  Really??  Could they not find a better way to get a laugh??  My child is 8 and I'm sure she is of average age of the kids who watch this.  How many 8 yo's know exactly what puberty is and are comfortable enough to laugh at this joke of a child saying "I'm not looking forward to puberty!"

Again, I say REALLY??   I know we are supposed to (and I do) talk to our children about the whole sex thing and what their bodies are going to be going through... does it have to shoved down their throats??  Our throats??  If she were watching a teen show or grown up show I'd understand.... but again... REALLY??

So I explain that to her simply that it's the process that her body is already going through that takes her from a child to a young lady.   Oh, OK!!  IMO... when the audience has to ask for the joke to be explained, a  lot of the laughter is lost!

It really wasn't that painful, nor embarrassing... I just get annoyed when the writers for these kids shows can't keep it age appropriate!  What ever happened to farts being funny.... people tripping... slippy fingers that drops a bunch of stuff...pies in the face... all of these things are way funnier to any 8yo than the word puberty!


On a different note... it's Thursday night... and I'm building up the courage to say "it's time" if I have to!!  I know that I'll get more and more comfortable asking for what I need... but I have to say... code words make it a bit less stressful!!  I used to think that if I had to remind S for the promised spanking that he didn't really want to do it or wasn't really into ttwd.

Apparently I was wrong.  S told me that he really is into this lifestyle... likes being "the boss" he just forgets.  He says he doesn't forget me, he just forgets the spanking and he really does want me to remind him... seems like that might be my first "rule".