Monday, February 27, 2012

It just hurts my heart

This is not a spanking post.... keep on clicking if you want, I won't be offended...

This is my journal... it also happens to be a blog where others that I don't know in real life can read and sometimes even comment.... it also happens to be where I communicate to my S, my HOH, the Love of my life, my man.  This is not the only way that I communicate to him, but this is where I can write something... think it though... back space and hit delete unlike in conversations when things are said but can't be taken back.

I got pissed off mad today.  I mean really mad.  I yelled... I slammed the dishwasher door... I shut up and ignored him.  I'm not so sure that I'm mad or if I'm scared and don't know how to get that point through.

There are things that S is still not allowed to do.  A couple of things that is driving him absolutely nuts not doing.  I think he feels claustrophobic... grounded... maybe even like someone the Dr has taken away his manhood.  No, he can have sex... he is ok there.  His independence has been taken from him temporarily, only his sees it as forever.

When a Dr tells you that you can not do something for 6 months... you can not do that thing for 6 months.  She did not suggest it... it was an order... there are reasons for this.  There are laws.... that is why he needs to listen to the Dr.

Should he not listen to her, bad things can happen.  Not heeding her warning, our family's future could be put at risk.  Crap happens.  I'm not saying that Drs walk on water.... they are not perfect... but if he goes against what she is telling him and the worst happens... I don't even want to think about the worst.

The hard part about ttwd is that I feel so vulnerable... my feelings, my heart.  When I sought out ttwd I had been wearing the pants in the family and it obviously wasn't working because I/we sought out something different.  I wanted him to wear them.  It's been hard at times... easier at other times, but all in all, very much worth it.  We have had our struggles just like other couples but it has been so worth it.  I love my man, and I so much love him guiding me.  I trust him to make the right decisions for us and our family.  I do trust him... I trust him with my life.

Sometimes though, even HOH's need to be guided... they need feedback and input... whether  they want to hear it or not.  Whether it's given appropriately or not... sometimes they need help remembering what is important... why we are doing what we are doing...

S, I love you... more than words can even say.  You are my best friend and can not even fathom life without you!  I'm so sorry for having a childish fit.  You don't deserve to see that... but I'm only human... sometimes it's hard to get our feelings communicated appropriately.

Just a couple of more months baby... we are almost there!  You have done such a great job of keeping yourself entertained so as to not drive us all crazy... but we still do have a little bit longer to go... I'm sorry... I love you!!  ((hugs))

I do apologize to those who are confused...l wish I could go into more detail... maybe someday.

26 comments:

  1. I hope the next few months go by fast for you both. It is good S is following Drs orders. :).

    Hang in there. :)

    You are a good, loving, caring attentive wide. And I'm sure S knows that some days things are going to be hard.

    Thinking of you xx

    Fondly, Sky

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    1. Thank you for your kind words!! We will be fine... weather we want to or not! LOL

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  2. This is obviously a dilemma when you need to guide your HOH. I can understand you can't tell us what he can't do for six months but good luck on him making it.

    FD

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  3. Hungs, hang in there! Sometimes a good rant is necessary..no matter what the consequences. abby

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    1. *giggling* Consequences! Thank you! ((hugs))

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  4. Aw, Mikki, it must be really hard seeing S struggle! I pray you grow and are strengthened by this difficult time, and that you can see so much more good than bad. Hang in there! ((HUGS))

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    1. Thank you! It is so hard to watch someone you love struggle! ((hugs))

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  5. Oh Honey, I understand, I could have written this post myself. Hang in there, better times are coming :)

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    1. I knew that you would understand... these dang men! ;o) ((hugs))

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  6. Aah Mikki, don't be too hard on yourself. When M had surgery a few years ago he had some rules for a very short time and I'll tell ya...I almost lost my mind trying to get him to stick to them. You two are doing incredibly well and it absolutely makes sense that frustrations are going to pop out of both of you. You'll both get through these next tough months and your letter to him here is so sweet, kind and gentle. Your S is a well loved man and clearly you are a well loved woman.

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    1. Thank you! It's so nice to know that others understand what your going through... I'm just sorry that you have been here too! Yes, I know he loves me, and I know I love him more than I ever thought I could!! ((hugs))

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  7. When it comes to a health issue, I'm going to speak my mind...hopefully respectfully, but if he's just not listening, well, I will make sure that I'm heard. Hang in there Mikki and you too S. Whatever it is, a couple of months may seem like a long time, but in the scheme of things, it's really not. (((hugs)))

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    1. Oh I know what your saying!! The thing is, there is so much more even than health issues on the line... Thank you for your support. ((hugs))

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  8. Sometimes it just feels good to let it you, maybe your yelling helped it escape and get it off your chest. Venting here is always helpful as well, it's great that this community exists. *Hugs* I hope it works out for you and your husband.

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  9. Mikki,

    O.K. you're right, he should do as the doc tells him unless he thinks she's a quack in which case he should get a new doc. Since he hasn't done that, we'll presume he feels this one knows what she's doing so you're allowed to ask what the heck he's thinking ignoring doctor's advice, especially since medical advice usually costs a lot of money. He spent that kind of cash he ought to use what he bought!

    However, should he simply refuse perhaps you'll find some comfort in knowing that with all the medical issues we've faced over the last few years I can say from experience that it turns out the doctors precautions are often unnecessary. As one extreme example (Not my own) let me point out that the author Anthony Burgess wrote 5 novels in one year after having been diagnosed as having a terminal and inoperable brain tumor. He was given one year to live if he took it easy. I can't imagine writing five novels in one year is easy. Sounds pretty stressful to me, especially when you know you're dying and this is what is supposed to provide income for the wife.

    He actually did die, although it was 30 years later and from lung cancer. What the hell, he lived through the 50's when everyone smoked. Besides, he was dying of a brain tumor anyway, right?

    Try not to get quite so worked up about S. It won't do either one of you any good. He'll be fine. Heck, if he's like me he'll be fine just so he can tell you you were overreacting. ;)

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    1. Oh you men all stick together!! **giggling** Thank you so much for your advice!!! I'll try to give him a break!! ((hugs))

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  10. As a submissive, I think there are really no harder times than those when you must step in and go against them for their own well-being.
    Hugs and good luck.

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  11. Thank you nice lady!! It's so nice to know that there are others who get it!! ((hugs))

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  12. If he is ill and is unwilling to follow The Doc's orders then he is an arrogant fool showing a lack of concern for his family's feelings.

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    1. Well... arrogant isn't probably the word I'd use... He is tired of laying around. He is used to movin' and groovin' but by the time he is released it will have been around 10 months of having his wings clipped.

      Thank you for you concern, he is just getting antsy!

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  13. Frustrated men are dangerous, unpredictable beings!!
    Hang on in there, Mikki, be calm and patient with him, respectful but firm. All this will be over soon. See if you can get him concentrating on a project to occupy him till this ban is over...it will go quicker if he has a purpose... maybe redesign the garden? Or plan a special vacation for the family, even a day out, that requires research etc? Good luck, hunni!! xxxxxxxxx

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    1. You are so right!! They can be so unpredictable! He isn't so bad that he is driving me crazy 24/7 but he does have bouts of cabin fever of sorts...

      Yes, projects do make such a difference!! The weather has been so mild that he has been able to do some projects that he hasn't had time for before.

      We will be ok... thank you for your concern! xxx

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  14. Dear Mikki, I'm so sorry that you are feeling such a rough spot. It is so hard when things go wobbly. Just be patient, pray and know you have our Lord to lean on, S to love and life will hopefully be peaceful.

    Love,
    Isabella

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  15. Often Doctors are following established guidelines that are put into place by others. In our state, people need to be seizure free for six months before they can resume driving. So if a health care provider certifies that someone can drive after 4 months and they have a seizure at the wheel and kill three people, the doc will at a minimum have their license on the line because he/she didn't follow the protocols. That same seizure at the wheel could very happen on month 7, but at least then the MD did what they were supposed too. A lot of times we really do practice defensive medicine. ( I know I do.)

    I know it's hard, he must be getting stir crazy.
    You guys are getting through this, keep up the good work.

    Laurie

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