Friday, December 9, 2011

Life really is good

I have really had a hard time putting fingers to keyboard lately... I really don't know what to say.  I don't know if I want to comment on my last post... or if I just want to go on, then I don't really know where to "go on" to.  I don't know if I'm stuck or if maybe I really am meant to comment and close the book on this last post.

Well... if you haven't read my last post, my 13yo was punished for kicking a big dent into the side of our garage. It was out of anger, and he had been struggling with his grades, and honestly seemed to be reeling out of control.  S and I decided that since we had tried everything else and to no avail, he needed to be punished.  It was completely out of love and concern and have actually never done such a thing since when he was much smaller.

Anyway... when I posted it, I noted that negative feedback was not appreciated that this was my blog and that if you wanted to blog, as my friend Stormy once said, go get your own!!  I was so raw... the feelings were so new, I was hurting from so many directions.  Not only were we struggling with "the boy" but we are also struggling with my husbands health and a few other things.  My head was spinning in so many directions and my heart had been crushed.

I want to thank those of you who supported me by posting such supportive comments.  There are those of us who do believe in corporal punishment, as a matter of fact, the public school that our kids go to practices corporal punishment.  I know that not all of us who follow Dd also believe in in for our children, but there are some of us who do.  We don't practice it because it's fun, nor do we just go around thrashing our children over small incidentals or first time offences.  Serious time and prayer are put into such a decision.

For those of you who supported me as a friend by not posting... I appreciate you as well.  I think sometimes we can agree to disagree and that is one of the wonderful dynamics of friendship.  You could see that I was hurting, struggling and knew that not only would negative feedback not only be unhelpful, but possibly even detrimental.

I want to update where we are in our little part of the world.  S is still struggling a bit with his health issues but is actually more sad about the "purgatory" that that he is stuck in because of it... all will be fine eventually, we just have to hold on and enjoy the ride.

The Boy... oh what a good boy he really is.  He really is a very smart child, just very lazy.  The couple of swats that he received sort of "reset" his brain and he has done a complete 180!  No, we don't expect it to last forever without helping him to keep his nose to the grindstone.  He has a way clearer picture of what we expect and we have a way clearer picture of what he needs to do and what we can do to help support him in his efforts.  We are very proud of him, but know he is only 13 and try not to expect more than that.  I do subscribe to the notion that "if you don't expect, you won't get" when it comes to raising children... so we need to find a happy medium where we don't expect too much but we keep on pushing to help him in his endeavors.

HHmmm..... well.... we are pretty vanilla these days so not a lot to report on that front.  Life can be good even if not every part if perfect!

Again... I want to thank all of you for your support in my family's struggle last week.  Had my head been on straight I wouldn't have probably posted that entry as I know it's such a controversial subject and unfortunately I wasn't up for a heated debate.  A big thank you to all of you who were so kind... and to those of you who just had to show your ignorance and tell me what a piece of abusive crap I am as a parent... well, you might notice they didn't get posted... that is the wonderful part of having your own blog... no one here to enforce the free speech amendment... I have my own little dictatorship here...

Life really is good!!  ((hugs))


  1. Great post. I'm happy things are working out for everybody.

  2. Mikki, sounds like things are better, yay. Parenting is the best and worst thing in the world. It will bring incredible joy and incredible heartache. I grew up in an abusive home, I see no evidence in your posts about the situation, of abuse, and believe me I am hypersensitive to it. I still believe that it was more harmful to you and S then to your son. Sorry about S health issues, hope it all works out soon for you. In the mean time turn around and give me a wave as we are in purgatory at the moment ourselves.

  3. Mikki, as I read your previous post, I felt a twinge of envy. My son, like yours, is very smart and very lazy. Around the age of 13, the temper tantrums began, attitude, barely passing class. While his teachers all said he was pleasant at school, he always walked in the door angry. His dad was no help.

    He is 18 now, still bright, still just as lazy, no ambition. Long story short, we have cut off his access to money and he is finally having to face adulthood and make some decisions.

    My point in posting here is to tell you and your husband to hang in there! I feel that my son would have benefited greatly if his shenanigans had been nipped in the bud long, long ago. Nothing we tried worked. He was too big for me to spank him and Jared never felt he had the right. I understand your sadness over what had to happen, but having your husband there to lead your son is a blessing that he will be very grateful for one day!!!! I wish you the very best! Hugs!!!

  4. Sunnygirl... Thank you so much!! ((hugs))

    Faerie.... No.. I don't think we are abusive, we just love our kids and want them to grow up to be productive members of society!
    Yeah, and this place called purgatory... don't you think they could at least redecorate this place?? :o) ((hugs))

    Rogue... My best friend had the same problem with her's when he was this age. My parents believed in "spare the rod spoil the child" and we decided that it couldn't hurt...

    I'm sorry about your son, it is so hard to have to watch them struggle, I know I wish a lot of times they would just listen and learn from our mistakes but alas, they have to make the same ones we made!! I have to credit Dd, before that he had very little to do in the parenting department!! ((hugs))

  5. I'm glad things are better in your little corner of the world Mikki! :)

  6. Mikki, I think that you have shared some wisdom that others hesitate to talk about. I just received an email from my 12 year old's teacher saying that he has had 19 late slips in the last three weeks. His excuse, "maybe 10 but not 19, they just don't like me". Why samrt kids make stupid choices, I'll never know. I have an 18 year old, who sounds alot like Rogue's, and I wonder if we should have been more assertive in our parenting before there was a problem. I think that my 12 year old is in for a rude awakening.
    I'm glad that you shared your concerns with us in your blog. You have a lot of friends who pray for you, but we can only pray if we know that there is something to pray about.
    Thanks again

  7. Grace... Thank you nice lady!! ((hugs))

    Blondie... Thank you so much for your post, it means so much to know that we aren't alone! Our sons sound a lot alike... there is hope, they aren't lost causes, but reeling them back in is so hard!! Like I said to Rogue, it is so hard watching them struggle, wishing they could learn from our mistakes... ((hugs))

  8. Mikki,
    I'm sorry to hear that you got a bunch of comments on your last post that you couldn't even put up...very, very sad. That is not what you needed. It's good to hear that your son is doing better and I for one am glad that once in a while one of us is brave enough to talk about something controversial because through talking about that struggle, you helped others. It's so clear how much you love your kids!

  9. Susie... You have no idea how much it means to me that you appreciate my controversial post... I was thinking that people would hate me for talking about spanking kids on an adult spanking blog... If I can help anyone it's so worth it because I know for myself, parenting, let alone a teenager, has got to be one of the hardest jobs I've ever had!! ((hugs))

  10. Mikki,

    I'm supportive of you and S because you're the parents and I believe it's your decision how to raise your children.

    I don't think S was abusive and there's a big difference between what you and S have done and abuse. Don't let the negative comments ruin your day.


  11. Mikki, I'm so glad things are better now and for what it's worth, in this politically correct gone mad world we live in these days, I think you made the only decision left that you could have made. And I also think, based on your 'controversial' post that it was the right call. There is a huge difference between loving discipline and abuse. It's like everything else in this world, what works for some obviously won't work for others and I think it takes a great parent to recognise and act on this fact. And even if I didn't agree with the choice you made, I'd have still supported the fact that it is your right, as a parent, that you did what you thought best for your child. And that's all any of us can do.

    Dee x

  12. Mikki, I was one of those who tried to be supportive by not commenting. Our ideas on child rearing and strategies are different, but your love for your family is clear, and you ultimately need to do in your home what comes from your heart to be the right things. Teens are very tough. I've been through 3 and have more than a few gray hairs (artfully covered, of course) to prove it! I hope you and yours all feel better soon. Sara

  13. Mikki,

    I pretty much with Sara on this she covered what I was going to say. I have some professional experience in this area and in that context I know that even if we disagree with the choices parents make, as long as their is no true harm done and intentions are for the best, we know that our time and efforts are better spent empowering people vs. criticizing them. Now I am a "nice Jewish girl" from a very liberal area, so the idea of corporal punishment in a public school is disgusting to me and is definitely not an evidenced based practice-now if your community supports it, that their right-but it does show a knowledge deficit. What goes on in your home as a parent is a bit different. (regrettably, I can't say mine own kids have never ever been swatted). I am not a prefect parent by a long shot.

    What we do know is that schools that address and support the whole child produce higher achieving students. States which allow corporal punishment have some of the lowest performing districts in the country. The state with highest achieving public school children in the country for the last 3 years is Massachusetts-no corporal punishment, high per pupil expenditure, and pioneer of school based mental health services (this is huge, we don't paddle problems, or pray them away; we try to solve them). Probably the most liberal area of the country (ok, yes I live here-and for the record we are Republicans).

    Next thought I do believe in the premise that "kids will do well if the can". Kids naturally want to succeed--we all do. It feels better to do well than to not do well. So if a child is not doing well it is up to us as the adults (at home and at school) to figure out what is getting in the way. So Im glad that your reset has shown some benefit but some counseling and a chat with his pediatrician may also be helpful as well.
    Just my two sense

  14. Sara... Thank you for your support, it's much appreciated! ((hugs))

    Laurie... I'm thinking we are going to have to agree to disagree. I really don't want to take from this that you think of me as ignorant, I know I don't have the education you do... and yeah, I guess I got my feelings hurt a bit.

    I guess the part that probably hurt my feelings the worst is:

    (this is huge, we don't paddle problems, or pray them away; we try to solve them)

    My God is way more powerful than anything and anybody and he can fix anything. Proverbs 13:24 “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.”

    I feel like you think that I'm ignorant because we pray... I also feel like you were very judgmental and I guess I don't understand why you felt like you just really had to rake me over the coals, but I hope you feel better.

  15. MagnusCattus... I really don't know what happened to your post, that is the second one of yours I lost... dang it! Sounds like we think a lot alike, and you know, it's nice to speak with like minded people. Yeah, seems we need to be careful what we post, I guess it's only freedom of speech when everyone else agrees.

    Thanks, my Cyber "Big Brother"

    Anonymous... I have to tell you that I'm sorry you were abused as a child. That is not cool and I absolutely do not condone abuse of any kind!! I, myself, was verbally abused. It sucked and would never do that to my child. You see, I would rather swat my child and the conflict be over than to beat him over the head and heart with my words.

    Please get that we had tried everything else, and he needed to just stop...he was reeling out of control. Not only does he understand that he was out of control, but he thanked me and his dad for making him understand that he needed to just stop, look around at where he was at, and get that that is not where he wanted to be.

    Also, please understand that this it the first and only time that we have had to do this in many years. He got that he needed to stop and get his head out of his butt.

    I'm sorry your angry, and I hope you are able to work through that. Not all parents want to hurt their children.

  16. That wasn't my intent, your reading more into my tone than is there. I know nothing about what education you have, you don't know anything about mine. Praying is great, I do it all the time, sometimes it just takes prayer with treatment (and I'm not talking about meds) to solve the problem. But sure agreeing to disagree is fine. I'm not attacking you.


  17. "There are those of us who do believe in corporal punishment..."

    TRANSLATION to plain English:

    "There are those of us who still believe in hurting children..."

    You see "corporal punishment" includes a spouse causing another spouse pain if there's a disagreement about each other's behavior.

    Those of "us" who belive in hurting children would never try to hurt...for example, *ME*. Because I'll fight you back.

    Corporal punishment...the one-way fight between parents & children.

  18. Oh I loves me a self-run dictatorship!
    I don't think I commented on the post you wrote about your son, but I have read back through the comments and I think that some things were overlooked so I haz three cents to add lol.

    One is that I simply find it amusing how people almost always choose to hide their identity when they want to rip on you.

    For fuck's sake she isn't talking about beating the shit out of the boy--she's talking about one of many forms of discipline. And using it. How shocking!

    And I gotta be honest, I truly do believe that all this politically correct crap is creating a generation of selfish brats who don't understand life and lack empathy for others.

    The other thought though, is about intent. My kids don't get spanked because we are angry with them, have a desire to hurt them, or think it is the only answer--they get spanked because the other methods failed, because they need to know that actions have consequences, because we love them and want them to be good people.

    I don't think it's good to avoid controversial subjects--this is your very own dictatorship in blogland. It's about you and your life, not about the judgement of your readers.

    We are all human here on the other side of our little screens. As parents, we do our best for our children. What I think is best is not what someone else thinks is best. And that's fine. I'm not gonna go find their little corner so I can criticize their choices. I'll simply move on and do something else.

    It's called live and let live people.

  19. lil... thank you so much for such a heartfelt comment!! I have never been so attacked by so many that I didn't know, and you are so right, easy to be hateful when your names not on it! By the way, you should have seen the ones I deleted!

    Anyway.. thank you for your support! ((hugs))