Communication... the name of the Game!!

I think we have all been there... wallering in our own selves.... wondering how come he doesn't "love me enough" to spank me.  Does he hate Dd?  Are we not only not on the same page but not even in the same library??

And then I did it.  I have asked for help.

He was very ok with it.

Almost too ok with it.

I need to lose some weight.  I had lost some and then gained a lot of it back and I feel so much better not only mentally but physically when I'm lighter.  I need someone to answer to besides my clothes.  I need to have to tell someone if I have taken my walk ... I need to tell someone who is going to keep me accountable.  I need a spanking when I screw up and gain.  Not because he wants me to lose because S doesn't care what size I am.  That is so sweet... but I need to lose it for me and that is truly the only reason for self improvement.... self.

So I asked him if he would help me lose weight... by spanking me if I gain.  His answer..."Well, sure" in just the exact tone that I needed to hear.

He followed it up with "I'm sorry we haven't been getting your maintenance done like I said I would... there just doesn't seem to be any time"

Yeah, I know, and I don't hold it against you... I don't really like spankings anyway.

HUH?  What do you mean you don't like spankings?

I mean I've come to realize that they hurt and that I don't necessarily like them.  I am very turned on about the thought of getting one ... and I like where it puts my head after getting one... I just don't like the during.  So since I don't like them... I'm thinking that I might try a bit harder knowing that if I trip up, you are going to be there to catch me and redirect my thinking... what do you think about that plan?

I think your silly... but what ever works for you.  I also think that if anyone ever figures out the woman's mind, they would be an absolute millionaire!!  And I like where they put your head too... I think we need to try to find the time to maintain your head!  (I could hear him smile in the dark)

Little does he know that it doesn't make any sense to me either.  How could something that you don't like turn you on?  Crazy!

I love being spanked with his hand.  Problem... he doesn't like to spank me with his hand because it hurts him too! LOL  I know this but he has never said anything out loud.  So if I gain he is going to use a paddle.  He promises to make it hurt.   HHmmm..... sitting here writing this, it really turns me on thinking of him spanking me with a paddle... I just hate being spanked by one.  Paddles hurt... how does it turn me on when I hate being spanked with a paddle... and yet my breathing is getting a bit shallow thinking about it?

As long as he is going to help me, that is all that matters.

Talking is definitely the way to go!!  

Wooo Hooo... I had a great time!

Wow... I had a great time Friday night.  I signed up for the Learning Domestic Discipline chat room!  I have to say that I was a bit nervous about going to this chat room for several reasons.

I had to ask S if I could even sign up for this chat room.  Even if it were free I had to ask him.  Years ago my mom and I used to meet in a chat room to save money on long distance bills.  When my mom and I were visiting we were also visiting with other people.  There were several people that I  had befriended with in that chat room... one of them was a man who knew all the right words to say.  He romanced me and said things that S didn't.  At the time we were having a horrible time in our marriage.  I was a bitchy little wanna be princess and S was struggling with unmedicated depression.  He found out that I had a cyber affair.  I know this sounds ridiculous to some.  I may not have physically had an affair... but it was an affair of the heart.  I was very lonely and needed companionship... I was just "looking for love in all the wrong places" as it were.  We got through it and I swore not to go back to that chat room.  There was absolutely no way that I would have gone to this room without asking... no matter how wonderful and innocent it is, especially given ttwd... it puts my mind in a totally different place.

One of the other reasons that I was nervous was because I look up to so many of the writers of these wonderful blogs that I have learned so much from!  How was I going to talk to these people, I was very nervous.  I know... they put their panties on one leg at at time, just like the rest of us...LOL  I just feel like such a newbie compared to so many of you people!!

You were so welcoming... made me feel very much included!  Rouge and Christine even had a ceremony, inducting me and Jill  into the NPA group!!  How sweet was that !!?  It was very funny and just made me feel like one of the group!  Clint was there for a minute... peeked in....

I'm definitely not looking for a relationship... I have one.  I'm not looking for romance.... I have it.  I'm not looking to get spanked... it hurts!!  I love my S and he is all I need.  I do, however look forward to chatting it up with some that are in the same type of Dd relationship.

Come and visit!  Hang out with like minded people who can talk about our lives and ttwd like we do about every other part of our lives.  Sometimes it gets a little stuffy in this "closet"... how about you??  It's nice talking to those who are like minded.

Thanks again for the nice welcome ladies!

I think I'm needing to be taken...

I have this itch... it's describable to those who "know".  Those who don't know would think I'm a bit crazy... and maybe I am a little.  I'm needing my husband to take me and show me who is boss.

But then I'm thinking he needs to take me in hand too!!

In bed, there are no problems... we know who is who... we are ying and yang.  We are what the other needs.  We have owned each other long enough to know what the other wants... and have also loved each other long enough to know it's ok to guide the other in another direction if needed... and the other follows.  No problems here.  We both get caressed... we both get what we need... I feel very loved, sexy, erotic, needed, desired.

And then we have to get out of bed in the morning.  Feelings of neglect.  Not always... not even every day... but often enough to be able to see a pattern.  I just want him to show affection toward me outside of the bedroom.  Does that make any kind of good sense?  As much love as I get in our bed you would think that would be enough... I'm starting to feel like a spoiled brat and I don't want to want more than what I have coming.

I want to be cooking dinner and he come up behind me and put his hands around my waist, nibble on my neck and tell me that he loves me.  I want him to tell  me that he loves me instead of saying "I love you too".  When we sit next to each other in a booth in our favorite restaurant, I want him to put his hand on my leg instead of me always putting my hand on his.  I want him to flirt with me.  Not in a nasty way... in a way that is like code between the two of us.

Then I think of  Daisychain who never gets to see her man!!  How does she do this??  She gets to see her guy like once a year... wow... she is a good woman. She knows Davey loves her even though he can't do these things for her.

Then there is Ms Stormy.  Her guy is gone a lot for work.  Not that he would want to be away, but it's work. You gotta work!  How do they do it?  I think he flirts with her when they are together... I don't  know how she does it either.  He's fairly heavy handed and I don't know that I would handle that well.  You are a good woman Stormy!

There are so many of you ladies that live the same way... so many of these men are gone and still you are good women to keep the home fires burning!!

My guy just "checks out" while we are in the same room.  I love him... but it's an odd feeling to be lonely with the one you love in the same room.

Spankings help us connect.  It forces him to be present... reminds me to be respectful even when he does "checks out".  He is still the guy in charge even when he's not "present".In his defense, he is struggling to get his head wrapped around this new world called college... and he has always struggled with depression (at least he doesn't fight taking his meds anymore!!)

I'm thinking I'm needing a spanking... not that I want one.... but I need one... we both need one.  I need to connect to S in a serious way... not so much connect our bodies, we stay nicely connected nearly every night!  We don't even really need to connect our souls because they are connected at all times.  Our hearts... no that's not it... our hearts are connected...you don't have wonderful lives like our without our hearts being tight.

I know what it is.... His hand needs to connect soundly to my behind and it will bring it all together.

Just flickin' buggers on the wall....

Ok... it was an accident. I know it was. S asked me one evening if I was working on my blog. The boy was sitting right there... in stealth mode (doesn't happen that often). Then I heard..

MOM!! You have a blog??? (very excited)

(looking up from what I'm doing... staring at S... then at the boy) I guess, yeah.

COOL!! What is your address??? I want to read it!! (Still very excited)

You don't need to read my blog. It's a bunch of ramblings that actually ends up being like a diary, of sorts. No... I don't want you to read it.

BUT MOM....(Not near as excited....)

I said no... end of discussion.

Ok... yeah, I said it... end of discussion. Just like my mom and dad used to say to me. Oh how I swore I wouldn't do things that they did and say things that they said!! AAuugghh! What is this world coming to???

Then it happened again. Several days later we were on our way to Sunday School. S doesn't like Sunday School so he meets us for church later. So I had our neighbor lady in the van, who is close enough a friend to know about a lot of my past, but not my present ttwd. She does know I have a blog also but she isn't computer savvy at all so she doesn't really know what a blog is, just that I have one and that I used it as my diary.

(Out of the blue... ) So mom, what is the address to your blog??

(Head fixin' to start spinning) I thought we understood each other on this...no, I don't want you reading my blog. Why? Have you been looking for it??

Yeah, I googled it trying to find it. You know... there are a lot of Mikkis out there that have blogs.

(Getting pretty PO'd to be going to God's house) Are you freaking kidding me??? I thought I told you that I didn't want you reading my blog?? Really?? Are you kidding me????

(Defensive... and rightly so... he was fixing to die!!) I didn't find it... I promise...I'm sorry, I didn't want you to get mad....

(Trying very hard to draw the vampire fangs back in and tried to keep the crazy from leaking in to my eyes... crazy in the eyes is very hard to get out... and we are almost to church) Ok... I'm going to try to calmly tell you something that I think you are old enough to understand. Are you ready???

(He cautiously nodded)

Ok... my blog.... it's my diary. It's where I put all my personal private thoughts. Yes, there are people who read my blog. Not many but a few. And yes... they make comments. Some of them I like, some that make me work harder than I would like. Never the less... I use these comments in my daily life to adjust, learn from mistakes... etc. However... none of these people know me in real life. All they know is what I tell them. They don't judge me... they don't look at me funny... they read and comment or not and at the end of the post... none of us know each other except what we want them to. This is the wonderful part, the anonymity... the type like when you flick a bugger onto the wall in a bathroom stall and nobody knows that it's you who did it. ( I know... there are about a million different thought processes that I could have used... but how many would a 12yo boy have understood)

MOM... do you do that??

Do what?

Flick buggars on to the wall in the bathroom.

Well no... but I know people like you do and you would get it. Do you get it? Do you get that it's ok for perfect strangers to read my diary but not my kid?? Can you imagine how many years of therapy I'd have to pay for for you if you read my personal thoughts?? (S and I have always teased that we weren't going to save for our children's college... they can get student loans and grants for that... but we would have to save for their therapy that our children need after being raised by us...the products of our own parents. We started teasing about that even before ttwd)

Sorry... I never really thought of it that way...

Do you think you can quit looking for me on the net...or do I have to smash your computer???

I'll quit looking... I'm sorry....

We're good... I love you

Love you too mom

Guess I'm done flickin' buggers for now! *grin*

Thank You My Dear Readers... and especially Commenters!! ;o)

I have to tell you all how much I appreciate all my readers!!  I read several blogs for several months before I started writing this one.  I really didn't expect anyone to read it.  Or keep reading it.  I knew, from reading the few that I had, that I wasn't the only one that I felt the way I did about life, marriage, kid.. blah, blah, blah....  I feel a kindred spirit with so many of you!  So many that respond to other blogs with nearly exactly the same words that I was going to!

Another wonderful thing about the comments that I get... I learn so much from the people that I already learned so much from from your own blogs.  Just when I don't think I can learn more from you wonderful people, you comment and I learn that much more!  I so appreciate each and every one of you!!

I am in awe of so many of you.  You are all such great writers with so much to say and I'm so proud that you find the time to not only read my blog, but to also comment!  You guys rock!!  I so appreciate all of you!

The wonderful thing that I love about the internet is that you can virtually talk to people all over the world and we all can relate so much with what each is saying!!  I find that so fascinating!  I've never been outside of the midwest USA and here I am talking to people all over the world... and the fabulous thing is, you really have to concentrate on it to figure out where so many of you live... because of the anonymity that we are all trying to keep... but yet we are all so in the same place in our marriage... or are from the same place with our men....with our kids... jobs... aauughhh... it must be the torches we have to carry as women!!

I'm so proud that I am learning to be submissive to my husband... and I thank you for helping me and teaching me what you have learned... what has worked for you.... and just helping those who have come after you trying to do ttwd!!

OMGoodness.... Look what I found in my Bathroom Closet

Look at what I found?? I was cleaning out my bathroom closet! Are you kidding? I've told you before that I'm a closet hoarder. You are not going to find stacks of newspapers in my closets... your gonna find cool stuff there. I like to go to yard sales and I do get some very cool stuff from them. Sometimes I'm looking for something specific, but most generally I just shop. When you can get stuff for pennies on the dollar... why not?? Most everything cleans up really well, and if it doesn't, I've usually purchased it for cheap enough that I can afford to throw it away.

I don't remember buying these brushes, but here they are! There was a time, not long ago, that I was always on the look for bath stuff. We didn't spank back then... wasn't even a twinkle in my thought process. HHmmm.... kinda wonder if it was some kind of subconscious that I would buy these objects of my behinds demise.

It is truly amazing what is purchased for one reason turns into being used for a way other!! ;o)

S is now wondering when we might be able to get some alone time... hhmmm.... not really sure it will ever happen if he's planning on trying them all out!! LOL

I Feel Momma Bear Emerging...

I was having a pretty nice day... went to church and had a wonderful sermon... ran a couple of errands, came home and started cleaning my room... mine and S's room... my drawers. I'm a hoarder when it comes to clothes. No... you can walk through my house and not know I hoard. My drawers are so full it's a dread to do laundry cuz I hate putting clothes away. So I cleaned out my drawers... I am feeling so much better. And then the announcement.

My son and the neighbor girl have been fighting lately. I can't really remember how long they have been bickering but it's been a while. I never have been able to get why. Today I heard and I am not happy... not at all! Seems at her birthday party last year, end of Sept, he was standing in the doorway and was talking to the six girls at the party. He was invited to the party but didn't stay the night like the girls. Ok... well... evidently the girls were taunting him to leave... claiming girl time. I get that. The part that I don't get is the need for this neighbor girl, who was sitting next to where he was standing, felt the need to reach out and pull his running pants down. Fortunately his tighty whities stayed on... but was humiliated to say the least. He was near 12yo at the time... she was turning 10... only child, doesn't do anything wrong, is one of the 3 people in their marriage.

My son never told anybody. It breaks my heart because we have a wonderful relationship where we talk, and talk and talk. He was so humiliated. I get that... a similar thing happened to me when I was in 3rd grade. I never told either. I understand. The part that I don't understand is that she told. She told her step dad. He finally told me and his dad today. Nearly a year later, evidently she told fairly quickly. Today the pimple popped and her mom and step dad cornered my son and asked him why he keeps fighting with their princess. He finally told and said it was because of what she did a year ago. Step dad laughed and said yeah, that was pretty funny... he and princess laughed together in front of my son. Mom asked him angrily what snow white could do to fix this... it happened a year ago...it's time to get over it.

Ok... I'm PISSED OFF!! Not at my son, I wish he would have told but I didn't so I can't be mad at him for doing the same thing. I'm really not even mad at spoiled brat because that is what she has been raised to be.. a brat.

It's the grown ups. I know they are scared that the friendship is on the line, because it is. They are upset because this means that their princess isn't perfect... contrary to their belief system. They are also upset because while we are neighbors, S and I are also their landlord. Yeah, they live in my house...and abuse my kid.... hhmm... it wouldn't be looking good for them if I weren't a Christian. As a Christian I don't have to be a doormat... but I do need to make sure that I deal with this appropriately... not really sure what that means yet.

The part that irritates is that if things were switched... they would have considered this assault... and rightly so... my kid would probably still be in juvenile hall.

What to do.... hhmmm.... what to do.... I'll let you know.... feel free to leave suggestions! I sure could use a couple!

**Picture by Mark Newman, thank you**

Ready for the weekend!

I'm so ready for this week to be over! Not that I have any special plans... I am just done working, done having to be up at a certain time, having to do what I do M-F, done getting the kids up and getting them off to school. I like quiet time. What I do M-F does not usually consist of much quiet time. My kids are old enough (8 & 12) to be able to function on their own if I need to not be needed 24-7. They can cook stuff in the microwave... get cereal...watch TV... swim in the pool... if I really need to not be up to par, I can. On the weekends.

S has started college. In trying to keep our anonymity, I have tried to not give too many specifics, but I think what I'm about to tell is happening more in our Great Country than it ever has. S's job was outsourced to Mexico so now he is a displaced worker. Has lived worked in a factory for the last 20 years. We heard the rumors... we prepared... weren't horribly surprised when he was told that he was laid off due to the fact that his job was being given to a Mexican family who would work for lower wages.

I'm really ok with this. S is a very intelligent man who has way more to offer than to park his brain at the door of a factory on his way to work. He does cross word puzzles in ink for goodness sakes!! So I was excited to hear that being a displaced worker offered a couple of cool things. Unemployment... not a bad thing to get paid to sleep late. He needed a vacation. Two year degree for free! The government is sending him to school for an associates degree in what ever he wants to be when he grows up, as long as it's considered to be a needed vocation in our community.

This all took place back in January this year. We've been playing this game for 8 months now. Up to this point he has been home, a bit under foot at times, but for the most part... we enjoyed it. He kinda helped out with my business a bit... and got to learn all about the wonderful leisure life that he thought I led during the day M-F. I'm sure he thought I laid around all day an ate bon-bons. He is no long disillusioned.

So finally college starts. We got everything together... got him registered... books ordered... got school supplies when I got our children theirs. He has been in 3 weeks now.  Helping as much as I can. He is going to succeed in this, if not for himself, for the family. The vocation that he has chosen is one that he can actually start his own business after apprenticing for a couple of years. He could teach the kids... it could be a family business. I'm a planner... and this is one of the scenarios I've come up with.

No matter what does eventually does come to pass... I know it will be to take care of our family because that's what he does... he takes care of us.

I still love His...

Oh baby... I got me a spanking last night!  A nice one... yeah, it hurt.... but it was one that was near perfect.

As I'm sure you know, if you have been following this blog of mine, that it's been a bit since I've had a spanking.  For what ever reason... and he most generally has many... I haven't had one in a couple of weeks.  Now I was just saying just yesterday that I am very turned on by the thought of being spanked but hate that they hurt.  Don't laugh... it's just an observation that needs to be said out loud every once in a while!

Anyway.... I digress.... I've not really been bratting.... but there have been little attitude thingys that have been coming to the surface that I needed him to nip in the bud.  I have come to the realization that serious damage can be done in a relationship between spankings that are spread out too far.  Besides.... really.... how hard is it to give a girl a spanking anyway?!?

Don't you think it would be so much easier to put a brush to a lasses behind a few times to remind her who the boss is as opposed to letting her mouth get so out of control that more than just a reminder has to be given?? That was my thinking last night when I asked S for my spanking.

We had gone to bed early last night with the express intention of messin' around.  We had a good time... being very attentive to each other.... but there was this nagging need for a... oh no.. no I don't want that...  shut up... I will just roll over and go to sleep and I'll be just fine.  I was just getting ready to roll over when I heard myself say... "Do you think you could spank me tonight?" Area you out of your freaking mind??  I thought I was gonna go to sleep!!

"Yeah, sure.... where is my brush?" he says.

"It's right here".... Got up and grabbed it.....  I don't know why the *%&*!%$* we couldn't just go to sleep...

He has learned from a bit of feed back what works and what doesn't.  He is definitely getting way better at warm-ups, which I kind of liken to getting better at foreplay... the better you get at it the more you are willing to do it!  He warmed me up quite nicely... and then put some strategically placed  whacks on my sit spot... alternating buns... sometimes going a bit high on the rump, but for the most part.... a perfect spank!  Not too long... not too short...

Then my favorite part... he likes to rub my behind after a spanking.  Softly.... gently.... not attempting to do anything but to just enjoy laying there and being gentle.... cooling off my sit spot.

He is just such a good guy... he has so much on his plate these days since he has become a full time student, that is a whole other story for another time.  I don't want to put any undo pressure on him by bugging him to get better at knowing when I need a spanking.

For now I'm ok with asking for one when I need one.

For now~ ;o)

I've been inspired!

I've been struggling with this blog for a week now... mainly because nothing much has happened.  Nothing.  Ok... we have had a week... a good week... but not a spanking week.  Reading my favorite blogs have brought to the front of my head what I've been mulling over, but didn't realize I was mulling.... anyway... thank you Sara and Stormy... you are both such inspirations!!  Thanks for making me think!! ;o)

I think I'm ok with not being spanked... as I have just recently said out loud that I'm very turned on by the thought of being spanked... but that they hurt and I don't like that.  S chuckled at me and said they are supposed to hurt.

I guess he's right, they are supposed to hurt.  So why do I forget that when I'm daydreaming about getting one?  I do forget.. ok... I don't forget... who could forget the sting that comes from a wooden spoon... the thud from a very pretty hairbrush... the loud smack of a flat hand on alternating butt cheeks.  Is it like giving birth to our beautiful babies?  Why in the world would a person go through child birth more than once... evidently we forget the pain.

Do we really forget?  My first born.... he is a pain in my a$$ now being a tween and he was a pain in everything down that way then... he ripped me from stem to stern when he was born.  It was honestly 18 months before I could enjoy sex with S the old fashioned way.  So, with all that pain... why in the world would I would have wanted #2???  I love my children... would give my life for either of them... but the pain... how do we get to a point where we are willing to get through it again??

Its for the reward.  The reward of going though child birth is the chance to love a child...like nothing else in this world.  Raising a child is not the easiest... but the reward is beyond what any words can describe.  Each stage has it's own challenges but also it's own rewards.  Raising anything else could not compare to loving and raising a child.  Then they become grown and they might, just might, bless you with the only thing that could even come close to compare to having a child... grandbabies!!

Ok.... so spankings... there must be reward.  Of course there is.  S and I have never been closer but since we have started Dd.  Before Dd there were times that I despised him.  I don't know why, but I did.  He didn't seem to care about much... he didn't seem to engage... I was lonely in the same room with him.  I ran the house... I made the decisions.... what I said was pretty much law.   If S said something... the kids would look at me to see if I would give the nod that what he was saying was actually what was going to be.  It had be "ok'd".  Looking at it in minds eye, why would anyone not want that set up.  I get what I want or else.

So why would I want to give it all up??  Why would anyone want to give up getting their way most all the time?  I'm sometimes not really sure... but I do know that I was very lonely back then.  Oh, my kids and I have always enjoyed each other.  We would function as a single parent home with 2 children and a warm body in the recliner.  This makes me very sad to see in print... but it was true.  S didn't do much but work and watch the TV.  The kids would love him on their way to bed... and he did love them... and he loved me.... I don't know why things were like they were but they were.

The rewards of spanking for the spankee...hhmmm.... I have a closeness with my S that I have never ever had before.  I have a HOH now.  I have guidelines in which to live my daily life.  Guidelines that have been discussed between me and my S.  Discussion... communication... things that I have now that I get spankings.  I always felt that I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders... because I did.  The price that I paid for getting everything the way I wanted was to do it myself... by myself.  That is not what I wanted or I would have stayed single.  S has the last word now.  I can bring to him respectfully what I think maybe a way that might be better, and sometimes he agrees... and sometimes he doesn't.

Passion... never have we had more passion in our bed... when my HOH puts me over his knee and makes sure that I know he is there to make sure I know who the boss is.  He has compassion for me because he knows that the spanking hurts but that it not only helps to bring us closer together, but it also is a stress reliever that works better than any drug or cocktail.  He is the boss.  He holds me in position, holding me tight, knowing he will keep me safe.  I'm even safe when I'm being spanked.  He would never "hurt" me.

Reward to spankers... there must be plenty or they wouldn't do it... Just saying!  I believe that S does get rewards from spanking me because he acts so much differently.  He is engaged... all the time, not just when he is spanking me.  He get's aroused because he is very attentive after the spanking... and very passionate too.  I think he likes being in charge.  He would never admit to it... and he doesn't like having to do the tedious things that I have to do to keep the house running... he does like to choose the direction that we are going...

I am so in love with my S.  I'm so thankful that he spanks me.  I hate that it hurts.  But I love that S is taking an active part in our lives and if a spanking is what it takes... and following him where he goes is what I have to do...I'm there!!